REVIEW - BATTLESHIP

At some point over the course of his career it seems like Peter Berg basically transformed into Michael Bay. That’s not a compliment. In fact, it might be the biggest putdown in the history of putdowns.

I’m going to try and keep this review as brief and to the point as possible. I don’t want to waste too much time on this. I really don’t. It’s not worth it. This load of dook already took nearly two hours of my life from me. I can’t in good conscience offer up any more.

To put it bluntly, Battleship is easily one of the worst movies released this year. It’s absolute garbage. It’s clichéd, and tiresome, and miscalculated, and maybe most offensive of all it’s shockingly boring. As a rule, I try not to expect too much from an action film. I really don’t. If stuff blows up and it blows up in a mostly interesting way I’m usually satisfied. Good characters, and a decent story, and all that good stuff is essentially just sprinkles on a donut as far as I’m concerned. It adds a little flair and a bit of texture, but a donut and some frosting is still a donut and some frosting, and sugar is still sugar, and I likes me some sugar.

Unfortunately Battleship doesn’t even get the explosions right.

I’ve seen every single one of these explosions before. I’ve heard the whirs and boops of Transformer noises before. I’ve seen the million tiny pieces of Transformer metal sliding and around all at once before. It sucked the first time. The aliens in this movie are so uninteresting that I can’t even remember what they looked like in order to properly poke fun at them. 

Prickly goatees?

I vaguely remember some odd looking goatees.

They sort of looked liked stingray surfers from the bottom of the ocean on planet Point Break.

If the failure of interesting explosions wasn’t enough, the cast is a mess too. Taylor Kitsch is unwatchable. Alexander Skarsgard is laughably bad. Brooklyn Decker is hilariously bad. As for Rihanna, do I really need to comment on Rihanna? It that honestly something I need to do? Really? I mean, I understand that I’m technically reviewing a movie and therefore obligated on some level to at least mention the things that worked and didn’t work, and the reasons why they worked and didn’t worked, but Rihanna?

Listen, domestic abuse is no laughing matter. It really isn’t. Trust me, I can speak on this personally. It’s not something ne should ever make light of. It’s serious stuff people. Deadly serious. It’s a serious as a heart attack and then even a little more serious than that.

That being said, Rihanna should probably stick to getting smacked in the face and give up on the whole acting thing.

Summer action movies are often described as “dumb fun,” and that’s fine. I like dumb fun as much as the next guy. I can appreciate dumb fun. Hell, I’ve even been accused of writing it from time to time. Battleship isn’t dumb fun though. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a hell of a lot of dumb, but there’s just not much fun. Every single thing in this movie has been done before. Battleship is a black hole of originality so astoundingly bad that it managed to make Liam Neeson look like an idiot. Liam Neeson!

It’s a stupid movie directed by a guy who is slowly transforming into Michael Bay without the blockbuster ticket sales.

Yep, he’s a bargain basement Michael Bay.

That’s way worse than any inappropriate Rihanna joke.

-Steven  

REVIEW - THE HUNGER GAMES

Before I get into this I feel like I should make it clear that I’ve never read any of the Hunger Games trilogy from Suzanne Collins, and honestly, I don’t have any plans to in the future. Maybe those books are awesome. Maybe they answer every nitpicky thing I found annoying about the movie in a way that would blow my damn mind. Maybe they have everything I felt the movie was lacking and then some. Maybe they’re the absolute greatest books in the history of books. I dunno. It’s possible. I guess? This isn’t a review of the books. Nor is it a review of the fantastic multi-media book/movie experience. It’s just a review of the movie. That’s all. Nothing more.

Basically what I’m saying is don’t come back at me with the “well, if you’d read the books you would know…” thing. I hate that thing. The movie should stand on it’s own as an experience. Tossing that line my way will get you stitches, sucka.  It’ll get you a sandwich of the knuckle variety. It’ll get you a Katniss arrow in the butt cheek. It’ll get you a magic fireball in the face. It’ll get you a Peeta…

Um…

Actually it won’t get you anything Peeta related because Peeta is basically an ineffectual doofus.

I don’t hate The Hunger Games.

There’s a sentence I never expected to write.

Actually, I think it’s a pretty decent flick.

There’s another one.

It’s not the greatest movie I’ve ever seen. There are still a few frustrating plot holes and there are things that bugged me. It doesn’t have the conviction to really sink its teeth into any of the ideas it brings up, and instead settles for a glossed over, obvious, and mostly silly solution, but it’s certainly nowhere near what I would call a bad movie.

Set in a future where a single boy and girl from twelve “districts” are chosen to battle to the death on live television, the film tells the story of a girl named Katniss Everdeen who takes her sisters spot in the latest version of the “Hunger Games” and does her damndest to not only make it out alive, but shake up the system as well. It’s fairly straightforward. The class warfare stuff is laid on pretty thick. The voyeuristic reality television stuff is even thicker. I don’t mind any of that. In fact, I was really sort of digging the movie early on. Sure, it’s obvious, but so what? Obvious doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It’s corny, but at least it has a point. I actually enjoyed that the wealthy elite all looked like they’d been digging through Lady Gaga’s wardrobe. It makes sense.

In fact, now that I think about it an obviously talented, yet oversimplified and unfortunately polished for mass consumption mess of a performer like Gaga has a lot in common with this movie.  But I’ll get to that later.

I’ve read some complaints about the way Gary Ross directed this thing, and honestly, I don’t understand them. Truthfully, I think he might have been the only thing keeping the movie together. If nothing else the man understands pacing – mostly. He does an adequate job of building tension where tension needs to be built and despite a few notable flubs and eye-rollingly poor CGI sequences here and there, visually the movie looks solid. Jennifer Lawrence is decent in the lead as well.

She’s a puffy-faced dynamo that one.

I can’t really say the same about the rest of the cast. I’m looking at you Liam Hemsworth. Bigger role in the sequel? That’s gonna be rough.

The character of Peeta was not only a letdown, but might be the most worthless, wimpy sack of nothing in the history of the movies. Dude was essentially a futuristic version of Mr. Magoo. His biggest win was confusingly convincing some of the other contestants to “wait her out” when Katniss was up in a tree for the fifteenth time. Good job, kiddo. Ten minutes later he’s about to chug back some poison berries with an idiotic grin, literally turning himself into a rock in order to hide, and falling ass-backward in love with a girl that is mostly into him because the situation calls for it. If future movies decide to take the “love triangle” route I’ll be sad. Enough with the love triangles, people. I’d rather have seen the hapless dork chug back those berries and choke on a mouth full of poison.

The magic fireballs, super mosquitoes, and hologram dogs didn’t exactly fall into the column of “awesome stuff” either, but whatever. They were goofy, the whole thing was goofy, so what? Even if it was difficult to take the technology or the…ug…training sequences seriously at least they worked within the framework of the film. 

At it’s most basic I suppose my biggest issue with The Hunger Games is one of missed opportunities. It’s a hodgepodge of ideas that have been done before and done better. It’s watered down. It’s simple. It tackles significantly complex issues through the eyes of a twelve year old. That doesn’t make it a bad movie though. It is what it is and it’s not really anything more. Which is fine. I guess.

I’d love to have seen an adult version of The Hunger Games. I won’t get to, but it would have been nice. As it stands this is a kid’s movie. Everything is delivered in easily digestible bites. It’s a gateway drug for youngsters who might one day, hopefully, be interested in seeking out films with similar themes that also have a bit more depth to them.

I actually think the world needs more movies like The Hunger Games.

This movie is certainly a hell of a lot better than the other big thing the kids and the soccer moms galore seem to be drooling over these days. Twilight is a movie for dunderhead, boy-obsessed nincompoops who want to leave their brain in the car when they head into the theater. You’ll need your brain for The Hunger Games. You don’t necessarily have to bring put it in your head, but you’ll have to buy it a ticket and you’ll need to bring it in with you. You can keep it on you lap.

Maybe you can set your drink on it.

-STEVEN

For a second opinion check out John's HUNGER GAMES REVIEW