REVIEW - BATTLESHIP

At some point over the course of his career it seems like Peter Berg basically transformed into Michael Bay. That’s not a compliment. In fact, it might be the biggest putdown in the history of putdowns.

I’m going to try and keep this review as brief and to the point as possible. I don’t want to waste too much time on this. I really don’t. It’s not worth it. This load of dook already took nearly two hours of my life from me. I can’t in good conscience offer up any more.

To put it bluntly, Battleship is easily one of the worst movies released this year. It’s absolute garbage. It’s clichéd, and tiresome, and miscalculated, and maybe most offensive of all it’s shockingly boring. As a rule, I try not to expect too much from an action film. I really don’t. If stuff blows up and it blows up in a mostly interesting way I’m usually satisfied. Good characters, and a decent story, and all that good stuff is essentially just sprinkles on a donut as far as I’m concerned. It adds a little flair and a bit of texture, but a donut and some frosting is still a donut and some frosting, and sugar is still sugar, and I likes me some sugar.

Unfortunately Battleship doesn’t even get the explosions right.

I’ve seen every single one of these explosions before. I’ve heard the whirs and boops of Transformer noises before. I’ve seen the million tiny pieces of Transformer metal sliding and around all at once before. It sucked the first time. The aliens in this movie are so uninteresting that I can’t even remember what they looked like in order to properly poke fun at them. 

Prickly goatees?

I vaguely remember some odd looking goatees.

They sort of looked liked stingray surfers from the bottom of the ocean on planet Point Break.

If the failure of interesting explosions wasn’t enough, the cast is a mess too. Taylor Kitsch is unwatchable. Alexander Skarsgard is laughably bad. Brooklyn Decker is hilariously bad. As for Rihanna, do I really need to comment on Rihanna? It that honestly something I need to do? Really? I mean, I understand that I’m technically reviewing a movie and therefore obligated on some level to at least mention the things that worked and didn’t work, and the reasons why they worked and didn’t worked, but Rihanna?

Listen, domestic abuse is no laughing matter. It really isn’t. Trust me, I can speak on this personally. It’s not something ne should ever make light of. It’s serious stuff people. Deadly serious. It’s a serious as a heart attack and then even a little more serious than that.

That being said, Rihanna should probably stick to getting smacked in the face and give up on the whole acting thing.

Summer action movies are often described as “dumb fun,” and that’s fine. I like dumb fun as much as the next guy. I can appreciate dumb fun. Hell, I’ve even been accused of writing it from time to time. Battleship isn’t dumb fun though. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a hell of a lot of dumb, but there’s just not much fun. Every single thing in this movie has been done before. Battleship is a black hole of originality so astoundingly bad that it managed to make Liam Neeson look like an idiot. Liam Neeson!

It’s a stupid movie directed by a guy who is slowly transforming into Michael Bay without the blockbuster ticket sales.

Yep, he’s a bargain basement Michael Bay.

That’s way worse than any inappropriate Rihanna joke.

-Steven