EPISODE 103 - OFFICER DOWNE

SHOW SYNOPSIS: In this episode we attempt to review Officer Downe with former SOA star, Kim Coates in the lead role. This guy really needed a paycheck.

ON THE NEXT EPISODE:  IRON FIST AND SOMETHING ELSE

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EPISODE 56 - THE TOMB RAIDER SERIES

SHOW SYNOPSIS: On this episode the crew digs into This week the team digs into the Tomb Raider movies! All two of them. Everything from Angelina Jolie's breasts, to John Voight's ass is discussed, and the words, "I like a little more beef on my flank steak" are muttered. Yep, it's that kind of episode. When they're done with Tomb Raider they crew digs into Jack Reacher, Gravity, and a bunch of other stuff they've seen recently. This one's worth a listen.


ON THE NEXT EPISODE:  BEST AND WORST SEQUELS





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EPISODE 46 - COOL WORLD

SHOW SYNOPSIS: This week the team reviews the 1992 animated, boob-filled disaster, Cool World. They also give their thoughts on Man Of Steel, Jack The Giant Slayer, The Last Stand, The Great Gatsby, and a bunch of other recent releases. While they're at it, Steven claims that summer blockbusters are beginning to annoy him, John thinks Superman is Charles Foster Kane, and neither of them know what to make of the new terminator rumors.


ON THE NEXT EPISODE:  House At The End Of The Street





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REVIEW - THE CABIN IN THE WOODS

Bringing something “new” to the horror genre is pretty tough these days. Everything’s been done and most of that stuff had already been done before it was ever done in the first place.

Does that make any sense? It made sense in my head.

In any case, it’s a rare and wonderful thing when a horror film comes along that dares to break the mold, even just a teensy bit. It just so happens that The Cabin In the Woods is one of those movies. Written by Joss Whedon (Avengers, Serenity) and Drew Goddard (Cloverfield) and directed by Goddard, the movie tells the age-old story of a group of kids who head to the mountains for a weekend of relaxation, liquor, and some youthful teenage nakedness. (Which really is the best kind of nakedness.) Not long after the teens arrive they’re attacked by some creepy stuff and a lot of blood is spilled.

Wait, no…that’s not at all what it’s about.

Well, I guess it is…sort of.

Does that make any sense? Probably not.

From the opening scene of The Cabin in the Woods it’s pretty obvious there’s a hell of a lot more going on than my standard two-sentence retelling of the synopsis of almost every American horror film of the last thirty years might suggest. The Cabin in the Woods is a deceptively smart flick. It’s fresh and it’s different, and manages to be fresh and different while remaining wholly aware of audience expectations. The movie zigs when it’s supposed to zag. Midway through the zig it does a little jig, and before it finishes the jig it does something else that rhymes with both zig and jig.  

Munches on a fig?

No, it doesn’t munch on a fig. That’s stupid. It’s very lazy writing on my part. Amateur hour. I shouldn’t have typed it and I certainly shouldn’t be calling attention to it like I am. If The Cabin in the Woods did munch on a fig though, it would munch on a fig pretty awesomely.

For the most part the cast is solid. Hemsworth is good. Fran Kranz is good. Anna Hutchison’s booty shorts and accompanying booty are, of course, highlights. The ensemble seems completely on board with the wonderful absurdity of it all, moving from cheeky humor to hysterical confusion with relative ease.

As far as sophomore efforts go, this is a pretty decent outing for Goddard. While I certainly appreciated the strength of the visuals in Cloverfield the story left me mostly underwhelmed and ultimately seemed like a mish-mash of decent moments than a complete film. With The Cabin in the Woods the man has something to work with story-wise and it’s heightened his game.

The real star of the film is the script. It’s fun, and it’s interesting, and it’s unexpected in a genre where unexpected is a rarity these days. I know it sounds corny as hell, but it’s a breath of fresh air. I’m not getting any younger. These eyes of mine have seen a lot of horror films over the years. I’ve watched human beings get mangled and disfigured in just about every way a human being can get mangled and disfigured. I’ve seen a lot of boobs and nearly 100% of them were splattered with blood at some point. Basically it takes an awful lot to really surprise me.

The Cabin in the Woods surprised me.

Sure, it’s not Citizen Kane or The 400 Blows. It’s not going to make you take a long hard look at your life and the people around you, or reconsider your place in the universe. It’s not exactly an art house flick, but at the same time it sort of it. It’s art house without the curly mustache. It’ll make you smile. In fact, if you’ve seen as many mangled bodies and blood-splattered boobs as I have it’ll make you smile even more. You’ll get the references, you’ll understand the jokes, and you’ll see the point of the wonderful insanity of it all.

If you haven’t done so already, this one is worth checking out.

-STEVEN

EPISODE 24 - BARBARELLA

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EPISODE 23 - PIRANHA 3D

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REVIEW - NUDE NUNS WITH BIG GUNS

It’s not as easy as you might think it is to make an exploitation flick.

Wait, scratch that and revise.

It’s not as easy as you might think it is to make a decent exploitation flick.

Making an exploitation flick is probably pretty simple if you’ve got fifty bucks, a camera, and an actress willing to take her shirt off.

The reason the 70’s exploitation stuff works so well (some of it anyway) is because it’s a direct sign of the time in which it was created. When you settle in for an afternoon viewing of Coffy or Foxy Brow, or The Mack or The Warriors or The Big Bird Cage or even, arguably, Enter The Dragon you’re immersing yourself in a very specific time and place. You’re drenching yourself in the sweaty, bushy-crotched, feathered-hat celluloid of the 60’s and the 70’s at its most extreme. Even if you weren’t alive in the 70’s and nostalgia isn’t necessarily possible by the definition of the word, those moves feel nostalgic. It’s sort of like watching a John Hughes flick from the 80’s, if John Hughes had liked boobs and pimps a bit more. It’s difficult for a modern day exploitation flick to match that feeling. It just is. It’s always going to be.

Plus, if all you’re looking for is bare-chested women, it’s a heck of a lot easier to find them these days.

Believe it or not, Nude Nuns With Big Guns is a real move. It’s a real movie that was available for free though Netflix and I actually took an hour and a half out of my day to watch it. Apparently my time means very little to me.

Released in 2010 Nude Nuns With Big Guns tells the story of a nun named Sister Sarah (Asun Ortega) who gets dealt a raw deal by a corrupt clergy, pumped with drugs and raped repeatedly. As you can imagine, this pisses her off just a smidge. She tosses aside her bra, gets her hands on some guns, and sets out for a little ultra violence and lesbian smooching. It’s pretty basic stuff and even that stuff barely passes for anything I’d really consider a story. In fact, I feel a little silly even attempting to summarize it - almost as silly as I feel bothering to review it.

Why am I writing this again?

In any case, the movie is just bad. (No surprise there.) Don’t go thinking that I’m the sort of person who’s offended by this stuff, because I’m not. I’m not that guy at all. In fact, sexy lesbian nun smooches might actually make it onto my list of one hundred favorite things.  When I say that Nude Nuns with Big Guns is a bad movie it’s because I really think it’s a bad movie. It’s poorly made. I’m fully aware of the fact that the words poorly made are par for the course when it comes to these sort of films, and arguably part of the charm. There’s no charm to be had here though. None.

The lesbian nun smooches aren’t even all that great.

The movie is boring. I found myself struggling to keep my eyes open fifteen minutes in. The first half hour felt like an hour. The first hour felt like three. By the time the movie mercifully came to a conclusion I may as well have sat through an unrated directors cut of Das Boot.

Nude Nuns with Big Guns was an annoying endeavor. While there are indeed a few nude nuns only one of them really wields a gun and that gun seemed mostly standard issue.

Her other guns weren’t all that big either.

Just saying.

There are much better exploitation films out there than this one and if you’re in the mood for boobs and guns, and terrible acting and terrible music, my suggestion is to go to the source. Find an old Pam Grier movie and put that on. No one has the charisma of a Pam Grier in this pile of nothing. Heck, no one even has the charisma of Richard Roundtree. Every second of Nude Nuns with Big Guns is uninteresting. Every minute is dull.  They tricked me with that catchy title. They reeled me in slapped me in the face with boredom. Believe it or not, I’ve seen a penis’ get blown off by a handgun in a movie before and I’ve seen it get blown off better.

Yep, I just typed that sentence.

-STEVEN 

EPISODE 9 - ALEXANDER

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