It’s not as easy as you might think it is to make an exploitation flick.
Wait, scratch that and revise.
It’s not as easy as you might think it is to make a decent exploitation flick.
Making an exploitation flick is probably pretty simple if you’ve got fifty bucks, a camera, and an actress willing to take her shirt off.
The reason the 70’s exploitation stuff works so well (some
of it anyway) is because it’s a direct sign of the time in which it was
created. When you settle in for an afternoon viewing of Coffy or Foxy Brow, or The Mack or The Warriors or The Big Bird
Cage or even, arguably, Enter The
Dragon you’re immersing yourself in a very specific time and place. You’re
drenching yourself in the sweaty, bushy-crotched, feathered-hat celluloid of
the 60’s and the 70’s at its most extreme. Even if you weren’t alive in the
70’s and nostalgia isn’t necessarily possible by the definition of the word,
those moves feel nostalgic. It’s sort of like watching a John Hughes flick from
the 80’s, if John Hughes had liked boobs and pimps a bit more. It’s difficult
for a modern day exploitation flick to match that feeling. It just is. It’s
always going to be.
Plus, if all you’re looking for is bare-chested women, it’s
a heck of a lot easier to find them these days.
Believe it or not, Nude
Nuns With Big Guns is a real move. It’s a real movie that was available for
free though Netflix and I actually took an hour and a half out of my day to
watch it. Apparently my time means very little to me.
Released in 2010 Nude
Nuns With Big Guns tells the story
of a nun named Sister Sarah (Asun Ortega) who gets dealt a raw deal by a
corrupt clergy, pumped with drugs and raped repeatedly. As you can imagine,
this pisses her off just a smidge. She tosses aside her bra, gets her hands on
some guns, and sets out for a little ultra violence and lesbian smooching. It’s
pretty basic stuff and even that stuff barely passes for anything I’d really
consider a story. In fact, I feel a
little silly even attempting to summarize it - almost as silly as I feel
bothering to review it.
Why am I writing this
again?
In any case, the movie is just bad. (No surprise there.) Don’t
go thinking that I’m the sort of person who’s offended by this stuff, because
I’m not. I’m not that guy at all. In fact, sexy lesbian nun smooches might actually
make it onto my list of one hundred favorite things. When I say that Nude
Nuns with Big Guns is a bad movie it’s because I really think it’s a bad
movie. It’s poorly made. I’m fully aware of the fact that the words poorly made are par for the course when
it comes to these sort of films, and arguably part of the charm. There’s no charm to be had here though. None.
The lesbian nun smooches aren’t even all that great.
The movie is boring. I found myself struggling to keep my
eyes open fifteen minutes in. The first half hour felt like an hour. The first
hour felt like three. By the time the movie mercifully came to a conclusion I
may as well have sat through an unrated directors cut of Das Boot.
Nude Nuns with Big
Guns was an annoying endeavor. While there are indeed a few nude nuns only
one of them really wields a gun and that gun seemed mostly standard issue.
Her other guns
weren’t all that big either.
Just saying.
There are much better exploitation films out there than this
one and if you’re in the mood for boobs and guns, and terrible acting and
terrible music, my suggestion is to go to the source. Find an old Pam Grier
movie and put that on. No one has the charisma of a Pam Grier in this pile of
nothing. Heck, no one even has the charisma of Richard Roundtree. Every second
of Nude Nuns with Big Guns is
uninteresting. Every minute is dull. They tricked me with that catchy title. They reeled me in
slapped me in the face with boredom. Believe it or not, I’ve seen a penis’ get
blown off by a handgun in a movie before and I’ve seen it get blown off better.
-STEVEN
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